Success is Found in the Struggle
Back in December, we learned that we would need to pick up our half-finished bus and finish it ourselves after paying our builder $128k to have it completed. It was such a huge blow to us mentally and we didn’t realize how huge at the time.
We packed up everything we could bring with us into a U-Haul trailer, setting off from Northern New Mexico in our Jeep Grand Cherokee, headed for Tucson to pick up our bus Daisy. Our plan was to grab Daisy and head to Quartzite Arizona, where it would be minimal cost for a place to stay in the winter.
In losing our savings on our bus, we were barely scraping by, so camping off grid in the Arizona desert for a few months it was.
Even though we were thrilled it was inexpensive, living off-grid in the desert presented a lot of challenges. For starters, we didn’t even have an installed sink or running water. Still, our spirits were okay and we were determined to make this bus into our home.
We quickly learned that living in this bus would be a challenge. Luckily, the kids room was almost completely finished and they were in love with their space. This made it much easier to exist in the bus because the kids were happy.
The desert weather wasn’t kind. The wind just kept blowing and blowing and blowing. The wind even claimed three of our work tents that were anchored 2 feet into the ground.
Despite being at least an hour and a half from the nearest Home Depot, we began the painstaking process of constructing our half finished bus.
First, we desperately needed a working shower. In the meantime, we used the showers at the laundromat in town. The shower area was the most unfinished of all the areas in the bus; however the plumbing was ran and for that we were grateful. We would just need to frame in the shower stall, waterproof it, tile, then grout.
When you read it in words, it doesn’t sound too bad. When you’re trying to figure it out in real time and you’ve never constructed a shower before, it’s terrifying.
Kyle built a half side wall and got the cement boards installed complete with waterproofing. Getting ready to lay tile, our plan was for me to run and get Kyle things while he mortared and installed the sheets of tile. As we were beginning, the tile wasn’t lining up correctly and Kyle’s frustration was growing.
Bubbling under the surface of his subconscious was the anger of having to do this bus ourselves after paying for it to be completed. Kyle’s emotions were pushing their way into his drivers seat as the tile wasn’t doing what Kyle intended it to do.
“Hey, can I try installing?” I asked. Little did I know I’d be adding some very big life skills to my resume.
I’d only ever used peel and stick tile before, this was my first time attempting real mortar and ceramic tile sheets. I took a deep cleansing inhale and exhale, then I put my lofi beats onto the Bluetooth speaker.
I was ready…Or as ready as I was going to get anyway.
After going to YouTube University and watching a how to video, tile installation for my application looked fairly simple.
I got into the zone after applying the first piece. I’d take my trowel, get some mortar, spread it on the walls, used the tooth side to create grooves, then line my tile sheet and press it down.
When I needed a cut, I’d use the tape measure, mark it, then hand it off to Kyle in our very own shower building relay race. Before we knew it, we had the shower tiled.
In between tiling the shower, I painted kitchen cabinets and the kids room. Then, I wallpapered to make it feel more like a home. Taking small bites out of the project as a whole felt very rewarding.
During this time as I was accepting where we were in life, literally, figuratively, and spiritually; Kyle was spiraling into depression. Him sinking wasn’t ideal right now, but that’s the thing about his depression and my PTSD, it comes at any time, half-finished bus build or not.
Historically, Kyle’s depression is very mean to me, so I have put up walls to safeguard my heart.
When he’s been in a trigger, he has said some pretty awful things that I’ve had to heal from. Naturally, I feel like I have to be on-guard when he’s in a depressive moment.
This means I have built up a lot of resentment towards Kyle that’s probably hindered our progress as a couple in some ways. Each time Kyle is depressed, it’s a growing opportunity for me to find my calm in the chaos, advocate for my boundaries while loving Kyle through the hard.
Sometimes, that’s really difficult to do. Like now, while trying to build a half-finished bus.
Every day, in every moment, I am self-evaluating, keeping my ego in check. I genuinely want to be the best and most loving version of myself, living with the light. I spend a lot of time not reacting to things and pausing before I speak, truly thinking about the impact of the words I choose to say. I ponder what my actions will do to others and my intentions I am setting.
While We were in a therapy session amidst the bus build, I didn’t pause before I reacted. My emotions flared up quickly and I got snippy. I can’t remember the exact words I said, but the energy I sent was totally snarky.
That never happens. Like never. I consciously try every day to not send that energy out into the world to anyone. It’s just not a vibration I want to exist in; Yet, here I was, doing the exact thing I didn’t want to be.
Sometimes, I feel we act out of our emotions because we aren’t feeling safe, valid, or heard. That moment for me, was one of those times.
I’d been feeling such a burden lately of being the coordinator of all the things and Kyle agreed to do something that was urgent several times; he didn’t make it a priority and then it came down to me having to add this onto my already full plate.
He was dismissing my experience in therapy and I came boiling over in the form of a snippy comment.
“You’re frustrated Jenn. You have a right to be. Kyle didn’t take care of something that was his job and then it fell on you. That is frustrating.”
By our therapist validating the emotion I was experiencing, I was able to instantly come down from the frustration by realizing that I wasn’t just being hysterical for the sake of doing it. I was reacting to feeling unsafe. I was reacting to my experience being dismissed and my emotions not feeling seen.
I grew up in a home where my emotions really didn’t matter and I had to learn to conform to not be reprimanded. I had to walk on egg shells. With my marriage, I’ve realized in the recent year, I’ve been doing the same thing; making myself smaller to make others comfortable.
At the end of that session, we had some great takeaways. Me advocating for myself, allows Kyle and the kids to see it’s okay for them to advocate for their own needs too. We also made it a point to have conversations instead of confrontation. Both of us creating a space where we feel safe to share in.
By the time we moved the bus to Phoenix for Kyle to be closer to work, I’d finished grouting the shower and Kyle installed the faucet. We quickly learned that the builder hooked up our plumbing wrong and we had water pouring behind our freshly tiled walls.
Kyle and I both took a deep cleansing breath and he shut off the water. We didn’t get mad, we didn’t allow our emotions to take over in the drivers seat. We paused and took a moment to find clarity as a couple before reacting.
Soon, we were able to diagnose the problem and solve it. Long story short, a cap needed to be installed after things were hooked up to the wrong line. We got a new shower head, and while it’s not ideal, it works for now without tearing down our new shower.
The following week when I suggested tackling the flooring install, Kyle wasn’t thrilled.
I had this nudge that I just needed to head it up and get it done, so off to the store we went; measurements in hand.
It took us three days to install this flooring. All in all it wasn’t complicated, the biggest growing opportunity was me doing all the measuring and installing while Kyle made the cuts. He made it clear from the beginning, this was my idea and he was simply assisting.
During the floor installation, Kyle was in a depressive cycle, but I was determined to use the tools we had been learning in therapy recently.
Something Kyle does to show affection is tease me in some way. I don’t like it. Ive never liked it. It grosses me out when he does it. In the past, when I say “I don’t like when you do that”, the response is always gaslighting. “What? I can’t tease you? That’s how I show love. You tell me you want me to show you more affection.” He would say. I would bottle up that feeling of being unsafe, unseen, and hurt to deal with on my own, until the next time he did it.
Today he was making dirty sexual joke references that seem harmless to some, but make me feel very gross.
“That makes me uncomfortable when you say those things to me.” I stated firmly and calmly. Instantly, the color seemed to drain from Kyle’s face, I was waiting for the imminent trigger and gaslighting…
“Oh. I was just being funny.” He said
“I don’t find them funny, they make me feel very uncomfortable when you say them to me. They are not a turn on.” I replied
“I am so sorry. I didn’t know they made you feel that way, I am going to work on that. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.” He said
In that moment, I felt like My Partner really saw me. His energy felt genuine in his recognition of my experience. My firmly kind directness, advocating for myself when something made me uncomfortable; allowed my partner to fully see me in the moment without getting instantly triggered.
This was huge for us. We gave each other a big embrace, feeling seen, heard, and safe in the other’s arms.
That night, after the floor was completed and we were getting ready for bed, Kyle said something to me that made my heart smile.
“I am so glad you took charge of this bus build because my brain just can’t do it. I can help you, I can make the cuts, I’m just not in a place where I can lead on this project. I am in such despair about the build of this bus.” He said in full vulnerability.
In that moment, I realized that it’s going to be a full team effort on this thing and a year from now, we won’t even recognize who our couple grows into. Kyle and I both use these struggles and turn them into successes. When you want a healthy couple, the universe doesn’t just give it to you; It sends you opportunities to use the tools you have to grow together.
We can either embrace those opportunities or allow them to turn into resentment, keeping that heavy emotion stored in our bodies for years and years and years.
This unfinished bus sure is shaping up to be everything we needed. Everything seems to shine when you look at it in the right light.
🫶jenn
P.S. I love you and I am so grateful you came over today.
P.P.S. What did you takeaway from my story today? I’d love to hear your perspective!
Thank you for spending a little bit of your precious time in my inner world with me today. I hope your day is just as beautiful as you are.