They’re Coming Back
My wrinkles have slowly been creeping in and I’ve made a big decision that I want to share with you.
When I was twenty-six, I was introduced to Botox and fillers by a friend who worked in the industry. The doctor there referred to getting it done early as preventative measures and she suggested I start now before my wrinkles would be too far gone.
Well, since my friend did it and the doctor gave me the impression I needed them done as soon as possible, I let her inject needles into my face.
Truth be told, they didn’t really hurt, it was more of the anxiety of a tiny needle coming at my forehead. At my age, I didn’t think I had that many wrinkles, but as many times as that needle went in and out of my face, I felt like they were filling the Grand Canyon.
Results wouldn’t show instantly and I’d have to wait a couple weeks before I saw the full effect. When I got home, I told my husband about my new face and he responded with a question that sparked a decade long inner battle of what beauty really was to my spouse.
“Oh wow, do you think next you could put some in your lips?” Kyle innocently asked.
I remember feeling an embarrassing sensation of the blood draining from my body, then a rush of excitement as a thought came in; Kyle would find me more attractive if I got that done. My only concern became becoming what my husband found pretty. The following day, I scheduled to have filler put in my lips.
Kyle always joked around about celebrities he found attractive, and I would pay attention. After I’d gotten my lips done, he seemed to show me more attention. His attention made me feel good and I’d mentioned maybe getting a mommy makeover. His excitement at hearing about enchanting my body to have bigger breasts and my loose skin from having three children gone, made me want to do it even more.
“If I get this done, my husband would be attracted to me physically and life will be great” was the thought that came into my awareness at the time.
Two months later, I’d found a surgeon and my Mommy Makeover was scheduled.
I never knew pain like having a tummy tuck and my boob job at the same time, that pain including 4 C-sections and recoveries. This process I was going through at the moment, was hell. I had drains put in at surgery to catch any goupy bloody stuff that drained from my freshly-made incision to prevent infection. This meant that I needed to drain them at home and go back a week later to have them removed.
Kyle’s bedside manner with me giving birth and being in the hospital was, to-be-frank; Horrible and He will openly tell you that. When Molly was born, he refused to get up and get her from her bassinet for me in the middle of the night. I had to call the nurse for help, as I just had a c-section. She was none too happy with him and gave him a stern talking to about caring for your wife who has just went through surgery.
With my plastic surgery however, it was like a different Kyle. He was attentive, emptying my drains without complaint and taking off work to care for the kids during the day. It felt really good to be cared for by my partner in a time that I needed him.
Once I healed, Kyle was more attracted to me than ever. He couldn’t keep his hands off me! With this new body came a newfound confidence of mine too. Our relationship was absolutely exhilarating!
Four months later we were in Washington DC on a summer RV trip when we found out we were pregnant with Eli. It was like a switch went off and Kyle wanted nothing to do with my newly pregnant body.
At the time, finding out I was pregnant wasn’t exactly what either of us wanted and Kyle took it really, really hard. It cracked open the trauma from losing Ethan in the car accident and finally in his mid-twenties, Kyle’s boyish light was exhausted into grim adulthood.
Reflecting now at the years that followed; I got more surgeries and fillers.
Then hair extensions, and always in a full face of makeup. However, I gained weight from stress, then lost it with diet pills and B12 injections. My heaviest after all the plastic surgeries, fillers, and makeup was 199lbs. I was considered morbidly obese on my 5’1” frame. All the while, subconsciously longing for my husband’s attraction and affection.
It wasn’t until a beautiful summer day along the Hoh River near the coast of Washington State, did I find my true inner confidence. We were camping in our VANcation home Bodhi when I walked up to Kyle and shared what was on my heart.
“It’s been on my bucket list to shave my head ever since I was a little girl. I don’t know why, but I’ve always thought it was so cool and felt like it would be exhilarating. I feel like now is the right time to do it and I wanted to share what I was doing with you.” I said with steady confidence.
What he said to me, changed the course of our relationship forever.
“Will it make you happy? If it will, I’m all for it.” He genuinely replied.
So, I shaved my head and we both got comfortable in the uncomfortable. It wasn’t easy for Kyle to be okay with me doing this. A shaved head was one of Kyle’s biggest turn-offs and here I was doing the exact thing he didn’t prefer. Yet, somehow, I knew I needed to do it.
I took my clippers behind our van and put the lowest blade on them, lifting them to my hairline as I took a deep breath.
On my exhale, my hand plunged into my hair and made a landing strip, right down the middle of my head.
There was no going back now. My hand kept taking swipes, knowing exactly what it needed to do.
When I looked in the reflection of the van door window, I was beaming from ear to ear. It felt as if decades of weight was lifted from my shoulders and light was radiating from my soul. I felt alive.
Kyle caught a glimpse of my hair and my smile. When I walked in, he said “I love it. It’s going to take me some getting used to, please be patient with me. You look so good babe.” He then asked if he could rub my head to feel it, I obliged. That was his way of getting comfortable with something; physical touch is his love language, words of affirmation is mine.
Him talking through it with me was him giving me my love language, I was returning his. For the next month or so, he rubbed my head when we would snuggle and tell me that he was proud of me for doing something I have always dreamed of doing.
Since that day, something in Kyle shifted. He was no longer attracted to material beauty, now he genuinely finds my happiness beautiful. Getting Botox and fillers faded from view and his new attraction for me grew.
In advocating for myself and doing something that my inner child had always wanted to do, it freed a part of me that I can’t even begin to put into words. It also freed a part of Kyle that I never knew could be any different. He found me attractive in an entirely new and unique way than he did before.
It wasn’t solely about my physical appearance anymore, it was my confidence in who I was becoming.
Apparently, me having confidence in myself and making choices that truly made my own heart happy, resulted in me becoming evening lighter and my partner finding that wildly sexy.
Today, almost three years after shaving my head bald while camping in a rainforest, I’m looking in the mirror with my wrinkles growing ever more pronounced. A decision is facing back at me and I’m reflecting on which path to take.
I don’t regret my plastic surgeries or fillers, they’ve truly helped shape me into who I am today; literally and figuratively. Without them, I would have always wondered what if I would’ve gotten them done? With experiencing them, I now truly know I was using them as a tool to love my then physical self and I don’t need to use them to love me anymore.
Each of these wrinkles coming in are a privilege denied to so many, My own son Ethan included. He never got the chance to get wrinkles, but boy oh boy did he sure light up my life while he was here. Each of these crevices on my face hold a special memory of him. To erase those wrinkles would be to erase the moments in time that matter most in my life.
I love this whole being that I am becoming, both inside and out, human and soul respectively. I truly believe that our partners can help us recognize balance and where we need to grow. Our partners can be a safe space that helps us gently reflect on who we are growing to be.
Next month, Kyle and I will be together for 19 years. It was only in the last five years that we consciously chose to show up for our couple, every single day. Since we decided to both give it our best, we have grown leaps and bounds. Was it easy? Absolutely not. It takes both partners committed to each other and their couple to become who you’ve always dreamed of spending your life with. Life for me is about finding balance in all things, living in flow, being present in the moment.
As I admire these wrinkles in my reflection, I hope one of your takeaways from my story today is that you will see the beauty in your body. It holds so many precious memories in every line, wrinkle, and stretch mark.
Cherish them every day, because then one day they will be everything you need to live a happy and fulfilled existence.
I am so grateful you came over today. Thank you for being here and being you.
🫶jenn
P.S. you are beYOUtiful my friend.
P.P.S. Have you had a shave-your-head moment? I’d love for you to share it with me.
P.P.P.S. I love you so big
